Sunday, June 17, 2007

A little anxiety

In my last trimester of pregnancy, as it became increasingly obvious that there was a baby inside of me after all, the reality of my situation hit home and I began to wonder what I had gotten myself into. Maybe it was all a big mistake, maybe I wasn't cut out to be a parent. I am having a similar feeling now, with less than two months until law school starts. What have I gotten myself into? Am I really up for this? Am I really going to be able to handle school and family? Am I going to feel out of place with my classmates? I've thought about these things before, but law school is really starting to feel real now and that changes everything. I thought I had a pretty good feel for what law school is like from reading all these law school blogs and everything, but suddenly I feel like I don't have any idea what it is going to be like. I think I am feeling this anxiety now because there is really nothing for me to do before law school starts. Having things to do keeps my brain occupied, but now that my to-do list is basically empty my brain has nothing to do but worry. Not that I am worrying that much, but when I stop and think about law school now there is anxiety.

I have also joined my class' Facebook group and reading the discussions there has made me feel out of place among all the recent grads. Probably the Facebook group skews younger than our class as a whole. At the admitted students' days I met at least two people who graduated from college the same year as me and at least one of them was pretty set on going to my school, but I don't know what their ultimate decisions were. Anyway I have always known I would be one of the oldest people in my class, but that hadn't really concerned me until now. When I was in the Air Force I was older than most of the people that I worked with, but that never bothered me and they didn't generally notice. Now it is different though because I am married and have a child, it is that more than my age that will set me apart. I am not just worried about what my classmates will think of me though, I am also worried about whether I am really going to be able to keep up with law school and do all the things I want to do without completely sacrificing my family life. I know people do -- I have several examples in my blogroll -- but it still worries me.

At the same time, I am enjoying these last couple months of spending my days with the little guy. He's starting to be pretty fun -- he can do more stuff and is more expressive. We go to the park now almost every day. I found a couple of playgrounds that are not crowded in the mornings and I can let him crawl around on the equipment without fear of being trampled by shrieking kids. And with everything all set for law school I can really focus on him. That is what I am trying to do, instead of letting my brain think of all the things that might go wrong, or all the ways I might fail at being a law school student or a mother.


PT-LawMom said...

Can't say much (as I have the same fears), but it's going well so far (four weeks in). You can do it!

Not sure it's an age thing as much as a stage thing. A lot of my classmates are single or newly married but don't yet have kids. So far the events have included happy hour and a toga party complete with beer pong (whatever that is). I'm trying to think of something to suggest that would be more kid-friendly (or would at least start at an hour that's not so late for the kid-raising crowd) but, quite frankly, I'm just not sure I have the energy to organize. ;)

saramel said...

Thanks PT-LawMom. My school actually has a group for older students and students with families that gets together for family-friendly activities... that was one of the things I really liked about my school. I just need to try and remember the things I liked about my school and why I wanted to go to law school in the first place. I know I will be fine and that I will be able to do it, I think the anxiety just comes from not having anything school-related to do right now. I feel like I should be doing something and since I'm not I must be slacking, even though there really isn't anything to do right now. I wish I had my schedule or could buy books or something. Anyway thanks for your encouragement and I hope things continue to go well for you too.

LawSchoolMom said...

Breath. It will be okay. The initial adjustment period might be difficult but once you get into a groove, you will be just fine.

saramel said...

Thanks LawSchoolMom... I know I will be fine once school starts, I just need to keep myself busy until then.

Quirky said...

I'm not a mom myself, but my mom went to law school when I was 8 and my sister was 3. It was an adjustment, but everybody came out of it just fine and happy. And she made friends. Maybe the people who have signed up for the facebook thing are just the younger group. I know what you mean about the anxiety, though. It seemed like I went crazy at the 2 month mark.

Butterflyfish said...

One: thanks for de-lurking at my blog. I have now linked to you and will be a regular reader.

Two: it is a shame I purged a lot of my blog when I moved to my current locale because I had weeks of posts *just like this* -- hope it makes you feel less alone to know others have been there.

It took me a while to find my footing among the younger crowd actually. I plan to post about that later this week or early next.

saramel said...

Thanks for stopping by butterflyfish and for adding me to your blogroll!